And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
