So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
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twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
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and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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