Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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