i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
