I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
