I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
