Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
