one word: firstdatebathroomanal
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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