i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Randomize
