fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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