So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
