For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
