"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
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So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
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Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
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