How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Randomize
