Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You're a waste of cheezeits
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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