Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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