Your mouth is God's brothel.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
