i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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