Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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