dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
