If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
