I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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