I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
