so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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