oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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