Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I wanna passion pit in your ass
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
