You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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