You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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