I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
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