Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
