Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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