Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
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