I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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