So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
