Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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