You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Dignity is for republicans.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
