naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
