fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
