Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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