you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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