Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
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