So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
