we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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