everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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