I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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