Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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