you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
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Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
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My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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