I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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