It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
