I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
