don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
