I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
