i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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