Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
