I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
