I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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