Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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